Im watching The Matrix and i feel like its going to make me question my sanity
People who think they can break me only fuel my fire
I absolutely despise people who think I cant defend myself. I let things ride out because the idiocy I get involved in is usually more trouble than its worth. But to all of you people out there who think this about me, let me tell you this: If I so decided to fully defend my honor against you, I would win. Every. Single. Time. I could burst your whole so called “case” against me in a matter of minutes if I so decided. I am alot smarter than most of you and could make you look so stupid, but I dont because I actually have feelings unlike most of you. You dont care how I feel about things. You dont care that what all of you have done to me has made me so unhappy I cannot even remember when I was ever fully and wholly happy. But I don’t EVER let your absent minded idiocy bury me. Ever.
Its really depressing that the ONLY person who will truly listen to me while I talk about my problems is a nun at my school. Shes really nice and cool and everything but its the fact that none of my friends care enough. I try to talk about my problems to them just so someone could listen but then they talk about how they were this and that and no one hears what i have to say. Im not even depressed. Im just so tired of no one listening to me. This is why Im planning my escape from the armpit that is where i live. Its why i already have my whole trip through Europe mapped out, have the costs calculated, figured out how im going to get from place to place. And you know what really sucks? I have to go to Europe with someone and i dont know anyone who’s willing to spend the money so that i can do this for myself. I cant even go to college where i want to! I have to stay here. I cant go away from here. I cant do a semester abroad even.
why must all the odds be against me in everything? i did absolutely nothing to everyone who hated me from 2nd grade until 8th grade when i finally left. i did nothing to most people yet they have to just brutally use verbal torment against me. no one gets why i need to get away and stay away. this is why. im tired of this. yes getting away is impractical. i know. but i need to do it for me. im the only one willing to use all my money to get out. and im also the only one who absolutely needs to save for college. i dont understand what makes people hate me. its my life. just leave me alone already.
I believe in reincarnation (from person to person not person to animal) and i read this line “before we reincarnate we choose what we can handle in our next life” this goes through my mind constantly because i am unhappy. And ive been unhappy so long i cant remember the happy me. Im not unhappy with myself or the world or whatever. Im unhappy because i feel like life has become a metaphorical jammed seatbelt thats keeping me here and therefore unhappy. I feel like im from somewhere else and someone forced me here where i feel connected to nothing, or no one.
Ok. I just had to say that.